I really need to stop this. Why do I care what Manic Boy thinks? He doesn’t care about me. I get so angry with myself. I want him to care. I want him to be the man he promised me he could be. I want him to keep his vows. I want him to care. I want him to want to be with me. And he doesn’t, and I get frustrated all over again.

Oh, he says he loves me. Always will. Big whopping deal. What good does that do me? I’m still alone. I’m still lonely. I’m still pissed off that he can just take off like that without a backward glance and he gets to be happier.

Most of all, I am pissed off because I can’t seem to let go of this. I want to move on. I want to be the strong one who comes out on top in spite of adversity. I don’t want to be the one left behind in the dust. I never wanted to be left at all. Not that I had any say in the matter.

I want to let go of this FEAR. Fear that I will never be loved. Fear that I won’t make it. Fear that this is all there is. Fear that there is something wrong with me, that somehow I am unlovable.  It has a stranglehold on me right now, and I can’t seem to loosen it’s grip. I am drowning. And I am AFRAID.

As you are, right at this moment, God loves you.

There is nothing you can do to make God love you more.

There is nothing you can do to make God love you less.

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By Maya Angelou  

‘A woman’s heart should be so hidden in Christ
That a man should have to seek Him first to find her.’

When I say… ‘I am a Christian’ I’m not shouting ‘I’m clean livin”
I’m whispering ‘I was lost, Now I’m found and forgiven.’

When I say… ‘I am a Christian’ I don’t speak of this with pride.
I’m confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say… ‘I am a Christian’ I’m not trying to be strong.
I’m professing that I’m weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say… ‘I am a Christian’ I’m not bragging of success.
I’m admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say… ‘I am a Christian’ I’m not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible but, God believes I am worth it.

When I say… ‘I am a Christian’ I still feel the sting of pain..
I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say… ‘I am a Christian’ I’m not holier than thou,
I’m just a simple sinner Who received God’s good grace, somehow!

I did it again. Let myself get suckered. Why am I so stupid? After all these years, you’d think I would learn my lesson, but NO, not me. I have to keep getting kicked in the head.

idiot, IDIOT, IDIOT

A few moinths ago, I read the book Forever by Karen Kingsbury. There’s a part in the book where Luke’s mother sends him a letter with a list of secrets for a happy marriage.  I thought it was pretty cool. So here it is! And for you feminists out there, I know you probably won’t agree with a lot of this, but that’s okay, too. You have your idea of a happy marriage, I have mine.

Ten Secrets to a Happy Marriage
1. God has you here to serve one another. Love acted out is serving.
2. Women need respect and nuturing. Love your wife so she knows you’d lay down your life for her. Continue to date her and admire her. Share a hobby-find something you can do and have fun together.
3. Laugh often.
4. Be patient. Love crumbles quickly under the weight of unmet expectations.
5. Spend more time trying to fix yourself than your spouse.
6. Keep short accounts. The Bible says, “Do not let the sun go down while you are angry.” Make it a habit to forgive.
7. Determine up front that divorce is not an option.
8. Learn about love languages. Not all people show love or receive it in the same way. You want a back rub and your spouse wants a clean kitchen. The love languages are fairly simple: acts of service, time, physical touch, gifts, and words of affirmation. Learn them. Love is better received when it’s in the language that person speaks.
9. Words of affirmation are a love language for all men.
10. Men are born to be leaders. He cannot lead unless she gives him the confidence to do so. If you love your husband, build him up. Confident men do not seek love outside the home.

It’s no secret to anyone who knows me that I am a serious chocoholic. I love it! Dark, milk, semisweet, bittersweet, I love ’em all. So today I decided to treat myself. I went to a little place in the Short North called Pure Imagination Chocolatier. Wow, are they good.

They have some very interesting flavors, so I decided to take a risk and try something different. I bought dark chocoalte with wild blueberries and gouda (who would think to put cheese in a chocolate?),  theobroma(from the movie Chocolat), salty caramel, dulce de leche, aztec caramel, and twist my arm truffle(not that anyone ever had to twist my arm to eat chocolate!). I can’t wait to try them. I think I deserve a little pampering. It’s been a sucky(and yes, those of you in the grammar police, I KNOW sucky is not a word. I. Don’t. Care. ) winter.